“The Mummy:Tomb of the Dragon Emporer”

This movie was bad. Like, really, really bad. I spent the movie heckling it with my sister and I still feel dumber for having watched it. It’s… Let me put it this way- the first two movies weren’t great. They were cheesy and they were fun and I can probably still recite the entirety of the first movie along with the actors, but they’re not great, objectively speaking. This movie is not like those movies. It was kind of painful to watch honestly. Partly because they couldn’t get Rachel Weisz back as Evie, for which I do not blame her, and it felt kind of like Rick was cheating on her with the new actress, Maria Bello. Who, might I add, did not do a very good job. She tried, god love her, she tried, but she was not good. Her accent alone was so overdone it made me laugh. Then there was the kid who played Alex, whose name I will admit I did not catch and it is not mentioned on the back of the dvd case. He was terrible and why did he have an American accent? Alex grew up in England, with an English mother, in English schools, with English friends. Why does he have an American accent? I realize the actor was probably American but that didn’t stop Maria Bello. Didn’t they ever hear of a dialect coach? Also, that kid was whiny. And annoying. I seriously missed the little blond kid from “The Mummy Returns.” He couldn’t act but he was cute and I totally bought him as Rick and Evie’s kid. He was smart and spunky. This kid was sort of smart and annoying. I guess he was brave, or the gun- waving equivalent. It was hard to tell, he never showed any real motivation for his actions, he just ran around doing stuff. And since when were Rick and Evie bad parents? What happened to the happy family from the second movie?

For that matter, why was there an evil Jet Li? I’ll admit I watched this mainly because of him, because it just looked stupid, but I was really not okay with an evil Jet Li. It was mysteriously, deeply upsetting. Anyone who has watched “Unleashed” probably understands what I’m talking about. While I’m announcing my love of kung fu stars in this movie though, I’ll go ahead and mention Michelle Yeoh cuz I love her. She was one of the best parts of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, her and Chow Yun Fat and the fact that the annoying chick died at the end.

I’m not sure if the yetis showing up and being a major plot point is completely awesome or completely retarded. Maybe both. I mean, they were pretty damned cute.

And the major, “epic” battle at the end, between the terra cotta warriors and the skeleton army wasn’t that good. CG- wise it was okay, but I really wasn’t feeling it. I really missed the Anubis warriors. Them, I was sure were bad ass and could lay down a serious smack down. The battle between them and the Maji was awesome. This was… not so much.

There was a dragon. I’ll give it that, it had a dragon. A three headed dragon at that. The other movies didn’t have a dragon. And some sort of hairy… I don’t know what. If it was Japan I would call it an oni. Since this was China… a Chinese oni? I don’t know what the hell that thing was but it was cool looking.

Jet Li’s death face was retarded and he spend a good chunk of it, and his terra cotta mummy time, looking constipated, which was unfortunate. The CG was spotty. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was laughable. The dialog was terrible, the plot was terrible and the acting was bad. I want to be nice and say they tried their best but if that was their best, I wouldn’t want to admit it. All in all, I don’t know why they made this movie. It sucked and I don’t think it did very well. Let’s all hope it did badly enough that they won’t try and make another.

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